I’ve always felt uncomfortable with the term ‘Empty Nest Syndrome’ or maybe I’m out of touch. Maybe it’s called something else now? Whatever the terminology it’s supposed to be a natural outcome that benefits everyone. I was recently interviewed on BBC Radio by Kaye Adams (presenter of Loose Women ITV) on the topic of ‘Mother in laws and their Son’s Wives or Long Term Committed Girlfriends’ that highlighted the roles that we mothers play in our adult children’s lives.
I’ve brought up two young adult children who are for the most part independent now. And it’s often infiltrated the quandaries of my mind. What does that mean for me? What does it mean to other women when their older children fly the nest? My role as a mother over the past two decades (to 2 neurodivergent children) has, at times, overshadowed my individuality to the extent that I may have been lost to myself. I’ve identified many reasons for this outside of me being predominantly preoccupied with the needs of my young children. That a lack of my own appropriate mothering as a child and the vital navigational boundaries that are required if we are going to be robust enough to plan and direct our own children’s lives with the expectation of a successful independent outcome for all.
The raising of children into adulthood, I feel, is an overlooked phenomenon. Maybe because it’s been taken for granted by society that empty should mean spacious. That is independence for all and the opportunity to fill this space with external activities, hobbies and friends. The collective expectation is that we should look forward to being ‘free’ to do as we please. The reality for some mothers can be quite different. The expected timeline of when our kids leave home might also be thwarted by our kids coming back to live in the family nest, albeit temporarily, that blights the separating out post parental phase. It’s debatable how we mothers feel about this and the roles that we are expected to play. For example, the phrase “a daughter is a daughter for life and a son until he finds a wife” is too simplistic a term.
The trick is to identify when it feels appropriate and acceptable to trust that our children no longer need the nurturing and guidance that they once needed as young children. In order to take a back seat and to take care of ourselves as individuals going forwards into the next chapter of our lives without being dependent on the outcomes of how our (older) children chose to live their lives with its inevitable twists and turns that may raise heightened emotions for all.
As a practicing counselling psychotherapist of over 23 years in Psychotherapy in Hertfordshire it has been brought to my attention that our families are unique. That there is no one route that should be followed to the letter. The farther we are from the societal norm, the lonelier it can feel. The “empty nest” metaphor fails parents whose kids follow an unconventional route toward adulthood.
My Psychotherapy in Hertfordshire can offer you the opportunity to rediscover what your individual needs are. Some mothers, overall, experience the positive aspects of the post parental stage whilst others struggle with what they perceive as the downsides. Contact Penny Glazebrook Counselling and Psychotherapy today if you feel that you would benefit from a renewed perspective with a vision going forwards in your life.
