How to Cope with Disappointment in Ourselves and Others

During my 24 years of psychotherapy practice it has come to my attention that most people don’t cope well with being disappointed in themselves and/or in others.  It’s an interesting phenomenon and has a whole psychology that lies behind it.  In that, when reality meets or exceeds our mental perspectives, we feel satisfied with the outcome.  However, when our expectations fall short, it’s inevitable that disappointment follows. 

Some of us are better able to cope with being disappointed, whereas some of us struggle to comes to terms with it.  For various underlying reasons, that may result in having a negative perspective on life in general.  When our disappointment(s) involve other people, it may be helpful to begin with identifying our own expectations of ourselves and why we might necessarily project those onto others.

Throughout my Counselling in Hertfordshire, I have heard many times “I wouldn’t have said or done that myself”.  This may beg the question why would the other person necessarily think or feel the same way?  We all feel comforted, from time to time, knowing that significant others in our lives feel the same way, however it’s helpful to put things into context and consider the other person’s perspective. That can broaden our understanding of one another and ourselves on an individual level in terms of personal growth.

Expectations are very closely linked to becoming disappointed, as I have mentioned earlier.  It’s helpful therefore, to discover when and how our expectations are formulated in the first place.  Childhood is a good starting point.  Childhood has its inherent learned behaviours and role models along the way that deciphers our personalities. One’s personality can help us to determine ideals that can affect our self-esteem and how we come to value ourselves and qualities in others.

My Psychotherapy in Hertfordshire can help you to revise your ideals if you find that they are not being met.  Most importantly, individuals with high predictive expectations or idealistic views are highly prone to, what is known as, cognitive dissonance and its inevitable disappointments.  Often, leaving people feeling frustrated when reality fails to meet their needs. I can help you to cope with and navigate expectations by fostering cognitive flexibility and develop emotional regulation skills whilst addressing underlying core beliefs. It can help you to shift your focus from resisting reality to processing grief and building stronger resilience.

Examples of not coping well with patterns of disappointments may include romantic and\or interpersonal relationships (including family members) that tend to repeat themselves, and workplace concerns with particular colleagues. I can help you to acknowledge particular feelings that may feel uncomfortable and how to cope with these feelings in a healthy way that may help you to adjust your expectations going forwards. 

General expectations with their inherent disappointments could be viewed as habitual.  We all succumb to being “creatures of habits” where we rely on automatic routines triggered by environmental cues rather than conscious planning.  If you feel that you would like to change course in your life and become more emotionally resilient to life’s ebbs and flows, please contact me today at Penny Glazebrook Counselling and Psychotherapy and start to make those important changes.